"Sandwich every bit of criticism between two thick layers of praise."
That bit of advice might explain why Mary Kay Ash, founder of the phenomenally successful cosmetics company has done so well.
Praise can change everything. I'm not talking about compliments. This is not about "you have a beautiful smile" or "that was a great meal." Those are fine statements and we need to use more of them. Research at Marquette University demonstrated that compliments are so important that even when the speaker is insincere, they are still effective. But praise is different.
As a dog-eared article from a Good Housekeeping magazine I have kept in my "future columns drawer" for months says, praise "triggers the pleasure centers of the brain, producing an effect similar to anti-depressants." It's "an espresso shot of confidence and good feelings." And, wondrously, it makes the person providing the positive comment feel good too.
Praise glorifies. Praise begets joy. Well-delivered praise indicates we're paying complete attention to a situation and the people involved.
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Praise is best provided in frequent small doses, best communicated one-on-one. Praise without evaluation.
Think about the last time you, from-the-heart, acknowledged someone you care about. If it was as recently as yesterday, I salute you. If you cannot easily call up a moment in which authentic acknowledgement was given or received, I invite you to change that.
I just finished reading Joan Dideon's 'The Year of Magical Thinking." Incredibly thoughtful book, sobering on many levels.
The author constantly remembers how many times her recently deceased husband had said to her "Why is it you always feel you have to be right?" It stings her in the recall. And she recalls less often (shares less frequently in the pages of her book) his words of acknowledgement and praise.
There was one incident in which she was driving the car (he was usually the driver, but age and health often change these roles). As they arrived at their destination, he commented, "Well-driven." The affirmation buoyed her, implanted itself in her memory. It seems, perhaps, inconsequential in the re-telling, but I resonate with it. I suspect you may as well.
I have done a little research on the nature of praise this past week. It was launched as the result of a critical exchange my husband and I had over something which now seems trivial. In a few short minutes we sandwiched a pot load of criticism into what could have been an informed, even pleasant, discussion.
We seldom really argue, so the moment has stayed with me — actually, it's probably the reason behind this column. All is better now, but I learned from it.
"If you cannot say something nice, don't say anything at all."(My mother used to repeat that frequently.) I would amend it, "If you have something nice to say ... say it.
When you admire someone, love who they are, what they do, how they do it"¦tell them so. Be specific.
Sharon Johnson is an associate professor in the College of Health and Human Sciences at Oregon State University and on the faculty of the OSU Extension Service. She can be reached at s.johnson@oregonstate.edu
