If it hasn't already happened to you, someday it will: You'll pick up the phone or open an e-mail and suddenly get a blast from the past. Out of the blue, you'll hear from someone you used to know.
It might be a former classmate, hoping to see you at the next reunion. Or a colleague from a previous job who's passing through town. Or a teenage crush who looked you up on the Internet. Or an enemy seeking to make amends.
"It's a wonderful thing to do, to touch base with people, to see how people live their lives, to see how people lived out their dreams. You connect the present to the past," says Laurie Puhn, president of a professional and personal development training firm in New York.
Internet Web sites and search engines, such as Google, www.classmates.com, www.Peoplefinders.com and www.ZabaSearch.com, are making it easy to track down people from the past. The research can lead to exciting reunions that reignite old friendships.
It also can lead to a world of trouble if, say, your nemesis is still holding a grudge. Or a long-lost buddy is looking to crash on your couch indefinitely. Or that now-married old flame wants to catch up with you, sans his or her spouse.
Advertisement | |
Should someone from your past come calling, she and other experts suggest you proceed — but cautiously.
If you do get a call, a letter or an e-mail, there's no harm in taking a little time to think before you respond, Puhn says.
Ask yourself: How much do you really like this person? What was your relationship like in the past? Do you want to reconnect, or is someone from the past better left in the past?
You have no obligation to respond if you don't want to start anything with this person, says Dr. Scott Haltzman, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Brown University Medical School. "It's hard enough to juggle the friends we're connected with. We shouldn't feel obligated to expand that circle just because an outsider asks us to include them."
You also shouldn't feel shy about asking the person contacting you a question or two, specifically: "Why are you calling after all this time?"
If he or she has problems answering that one — or you don't like or trust the answer — politely end the contact.
Hearing from someone from your past is a good time to look at how you've changed over the years and revisit the things that worked and didn't work in the friendship, says Susan Shapiro Barash of Manhattan, a gender expert who teaches at Sarah Lawrence College in Bronxville, N.Y.
For instance, why did you lose touch with this person in the first place? Did one of you relocate to another city? Did you outgrow each other? Did you part as friends or on bad terms?
"People have different memories about why a relationship or friendship ended," says Puhn. For instance, one person might regret that you lost touch, but it might have come as a welcome relief to the other person.
If the relationship was unhealthy in the past and the person is trying to contact you now, "you should have your radar working," Barash says. If it was good before, determine what could make it better.
"Focus on what was really successful about it, and be honest about the parts that were more difficult to work with," she adds. "Sometimes the maturity or humility we gain over the years causes us to make more of an effort with our friends the second time around. I've seen that a lot with women."
If you're married or in a committed relationship and an old flame contacts you, you have even more to think about.
If an old love is involved, it's crucial to discuss it with your mate prior to having any lengthy contact with that other person, says Haltzman, author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever" (Jossey-Bass).
Does your mate feel insecure, hurt or threatened about your talking to your old girlfriend or boyfriend?
If the person you're married to or involved with knows and consents to you reconnecting with a past love, stick to the facts of your life rather than how your marriage is going or how difficult it is to raise your brood, Puhn says.
Avoid reminiscing about previous romantic encounters and "any hint that 'things could be better if you were in my life,'" Haltzman adds.
If you value your current relationship and you have no intention of being unfaithful, it's important to avoid even the appearance of impropriety, says Puhn, who also is a legal mediator.
If you don't, she warns, "you run a risk of upsetting your mate, and why do that? This person in your life now is the priority."
Be wary of so-called old friends, who might want to get together with you to gossip or disparage other people.
Keep your expectations realistic. If you hear from someone from your past, they may be different than you remember. You may have less in common, divergent interests and values, and be unable to connect as you once did.
Or you may find you like each other and have more in common now than you did then.
Anyone who reaches out after many years may feel a bit self-conscious and uncertain about how they will be received by the person they're contacting. Even so, it's often worth the risk, says Dr. Charles Goodstein, a psychoanalyst in Tenafly, N.J., and clinical professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine in Manhattan.
"Rekindling the bits of a friendship from a long time ago can be a good and healthy thing," he says. "They may become disappointed, of course. It may be that, for that girl with the hour-glass figure, the sand has shifted south. Or the best-looking guy in the class is bald and bulging."
But if you're really interested, why let that dissuade you? "Have some courage and go ahead and do it," Goodstein says. "Often enough people contacting you are bringing back pleasant memories. Why continue to be curious about things when you have an opportunity to actualize this and make the contact?"
