We are watching "The Lord of the Rings," and Frodo and company are slicing and dicing orcs like it's Friday night in a sushi bar.
"Orcs aren't much in a fight," my wife says. The scoreboard confirms it: Orcs killed by the Fellowship members: 37,679. Fellowship members killed by orcs: 0.
This is due to a Movie Law known as the King Kong Principle. A character built up as the baddest will always be defeated. Goliath, Jaws the fish, Jaws the bad guy, Apollo Creed, Godzilla, etc.
The best-known Movie Law is the Fruit Cart Principle. If a cart of produce is seen in an action movie, it must be upended in a chase (a corollary is the Guys-Carrying-A-Large-Sheet-Of Glass Rule).
Movie Laws are rigorous. If, on a cattle drive, it begins to rain, and lightning fills the screen, there will be a stampede.
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If there's a close-up of a wheel of a stagecoach or chuckwagon, it will fall off.
A woman being chased will usually be wearing high heels, and will always fall down.
A fancy car driven by an annoying rich person will be smashed.
Multiple helicopters = evil.
A hero can jump from the back of a careening stagecoach in a boulder field while plucking a pretty girl from the seat, with no ill effects.
The guy who drives the chuckwagon must be named Gabby, Snuffy or Fatback.
If, in a scary scene, a character enters looking one way, the bad guy/monster will come from the other way.
You can tell good Indians from bad Indians because the good ones help the white folks (Squanto, Tonto, Deputy Hawk).
You can access CIA computers by typing commands on your laptop in Microsoft Word.
When an über-villain catches a hero-spy, instead of just having him shot, he explains how his entire operation works, then places the guy in a Rube Goldberg-like doomsday device designed to end in a cataclysmic explosion, but easily disabled and conveniently equipped with a digital readout, then he leaves.
Cops almost never retire. That's because if it's a cop's last month/week/day on the job before retirement, he will be killed.
Spaceships not in hyperdrive or warp speed sound like the heating/cooling system of a large office building.
A cowboy who walks into a saloon and orders milk must beat up at least three tough cowboys before drinking it.
Rain comes in two flavors: sad and romantic.
If a gun runs out of bullets (after 30 or 40 shots,) just throw it away.
The law of differential ambulation: Through a perverse law of physics, a monster lurching slowly along will always gain ground on a heroine or group of kids running like the wind.
When a speeding car hits a parked car, the first car will flip over and burst into flames.
A horror movie girl who has sex will die.
If the hero suddenly throws a large knife for no apparent reason, it will impale a snake lurking off-camera.
In a white-knuckle suspense scene, the crash that startles everybody is caused by a cat.
Men's clothes are of such high quality that when people get lost in the jungle, it's only the heroine's clothes that turn to shreds.
If the good guys walk into a bar and country music is playing, there must be a fight.
Dogs know who's good and who's bad.
A plucky, ragtag band will always succeed.
If anybody goes to the bathroom, something vitally important will happen.
Reach reporter Bill Varble at 776-4478 or bvarble@mailtribune.com.
