During the holidays, families spend time with one another in ways that never occur throughout the rest of the year. Entire days are filled with talking and reminiscing. Stories are told, and with the balm of the years previously unknown facts surface.

Family discussions during holiday get-togethers have helped me come to know that our cat definitely ate the pet gerbils (they were not "donated") and the never-explained gouge in the bedroom wall really was an accident, but a playful moment, not a mean-spirited one.

In every family we need revealing, full-of-laughter exchanges. We need more moments where family history is revisited, perhaps even re-thought, and communication between family members is rich and full and spirited.

These are times when people don’t just talk, they listen. And at these times, the best family discussions include the oldest-old, for they are often the ones who have great and wondrous stories and the most poignant revelations.

Through listening I learned that my 90-year-old mother had a brief flirtation on a train when she was young, and the moment stayed in her heart forever and comforts her even now. I listened well, one special afternoon, and I learned that my father-in-law’s pride in his ability to quit smoking rivaled any other accomplishment in his life.

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Those listening moments were unparalleled in their fragile specialness for me. Communication was whole and complete.

I want more of those moments. So, I am on a mission to try to improve my listening skills. It’s a gift I intend to give my family and myself this holiday season.

What I have learned so far is that good listening is not passive, it’s "active." It means focusing on the person who is speaking, with your whole self, embracing him or her with all your attentions, listening with your eyes and your ears. Dean Rusk, former U.S. statesman, was reportedly a very good listener who felt, "One of the best ways to persuade other people is with your ears."

Joy Loverde, an elder-care specialist, believes listening is all about respect. Dr. Carl Rogers, a psychoanalyst and some might say the ultimate listening expert, believes effective listening involves reflecting back what is said and mirroring feelings. Some people say good listening hinges on what you choose not to say. Others believe in the Golden Rule of Listening: "Listen to others as you would have them listen to you."

Recently, I observed a small child sitting on the lap of his wheelchair-using grandmother. He was talking to her about his day and speaking directly into her hearing-aided ear. She was intently absorbing his every word.

When she finally responded, affirming his words and asking him questions, he received what she said with all his attentions on her. Then, he gently stroked her cheek. It was a gift exchange.

Sharon Johnson is an assistant professor in family and community development at OSU Extension and a member of the Senior Advisory Council. Reach her at s.johnson@orst.edu.